After the feelings

This is going to be a really quick post. I need to get some things out of my head.


 

Having realized, during counselling, that I indeed had feelings for my best friend, my actions towards and interactions with her changed. Now that I feel as though I am at least in part over these feelings, I am left wondering if my behaviour of the past few months has done irreparable damage to our relationship. She, as far as I am aware, has no idea of the reasoning behind my behaviour. Can I now tell her? Should I have done so before now? I am conflicted and concerned.

The only reason I didn’t say anything previously is that I thought that was selfish on my part, and I didn’t want to have any sort of negative effect on her marriage. Previous rumours about the two of us, though false, have created this fear in me.

A part of me thinks that if I tell her what has been up she will be completely supportive and we will move on together, but my anxious mind says that I have done so much damage to our friendship that this explanation will not be well received.

I have no idea what I’m going to do or if it is even worth attempting to explain myself.

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Is all of this my fault?

If you have read this blog before you may be aware of the problems that my best friend and myself have been having. All of these problems have arisen from the complexity of our relationship, a friendship with a degree of romance that can never be.

I have spent almost every waking hour over the last few weeks trying to work out how this happened. Is this my fault?

Two of my closest other friends, my weekly cinema buddies, are also close with her. I know that the whole situation is highly frustrating for them, and from what they say it is equally upsetting for her as it is for me. With this in mind, I am confused as to why we haven’t sorted ourselves out. I have no issue with her at all, if anything I feel like I maybe care too much. Supposedly she has no issue either, according to our mutual friends. You would think that this being the case everything would be fine.

It sometimes feels like everything with us works better outside the workplace, like being around other people like we are at work doesn’t help the situation. Too many people have an opinion on us, without having the slightest idea of our past. Until last week one of our closest friends didn’t have any idea how close we once were, he said it sounded like we were almost a couple at one point. Maybe this is the problem, did I give the impression at any point that that was something that I wanted? If so, did that cause this weirdness?

I can’t help but think that I am completely at fault for all of this. Unfortunately, it is currently far too awkward for me to question her, so I’ll just have to deal with it the best I can.

My best friend – part two

Find part 1 here: My best friend – part one


Is it possible to talk to someone every waking hour for 6 months, and then go to not speaking at all in just one week? Yes, yes it is. Is it possible to fix this? Absolutely.

After weeks of friendship by proxy, having our mutual friends pass messages to each other, yesterday, the old smile was back. Almost as if none of the previous months had happened at all, the laughing, smiling and waving just happened. No talk as to what had gone wrong previously, and, in fairness, I don’t care. Part of me will always wonder what exactly has changed, my feelings are still the same, I don’t know if anything has changed on her end.

In all honesty, I know that I have been stupid this last couple of months. I have just been so scared of letting my feelings be known, I now realise that I don’t need to. The amazingness of a relationship like this is worth far too much to risk. The intention now is to just allow this move forward naturally, there’s no need to force it.  I’ve missed out on so much time with the person I love the most through both my and her fears. However uncomfortable and awkward it may be currently, or it gets in the future, I hope I act in a more mature way. If I do this then at least I know I have done all I can.

 

My best friend – part one

There is one person on this earth that is more important to me than any other. I have only known this person for just over a year, and yet, in that time they have helped me realise who I am and what I am capable of. This is someone I would do literally anything for and whom I’m sure would do the same for me.

We first met at work where she would walk past my desk every morning on the way to a meeting, me being particularly shy was not overly forthcoming with the conversation but one of my longest workmates was always there to push it along. For weeks this was the way our relationship grew, small amounts of talking between a group of people, but there was something a little different in the way the two of us would act around each other compared to with other people. Very quickly we started to talk via text or IM outside of work, and smile and wave over-enthusiastically at each other at work.

The first time we saw each other without anyone else was on a bank holiday in March 2017, I was out buying a takeaway coffee and she was in the same shopping area. I was sitting in my car drinking my coffee and enjoying some music when I saw another car pull up next to me and someone knocked on my window. There she was, smiling at me. The conversation that followed is one of the nicest I have ever had, even if she was less than impressed with the music I was listening to. Within a month of this first meetup, we were spending time outside of work together two or three times a week. At this point, I should probably mention that she is married, happily. This is not something that has ever concerned me about our relationship as I have always felt that a friendship like the one we have is about more than romance. This is not to say that I haven’t had thoughts in this area, feelings have always been evident on both sides. It is something that we have dealt with together, voiced our feelings and we both know how important we are to each other. I also know that from the point of view of her husband there is no issue. I have spent time alone with him playing sports, and we have become friends as well.

Only people who are in no way involved in the friendship seem to have had an issue with it. There appears to be an outdated and unwelcome opinion shared by many of the people we know that a man and a woman cannot be just friends. Of course, as previously mentioned there is a degree of intimacy and emotional dependency that the two of us share, but that need not lead to anything else. Unfortunately, my anxiety coupled with the meddling of others has caused a shift in my behaviour of late. Through a fear of causing trouble for her in her marriage, despite knowing that I won’t, I have become distant. Because she is not aware of the reasoning behind my change in behaviour, she has started to feel like I don’t like her anymore, which is so far the opposite of the real reason. I think the fact that she sees me behaving the same as I always have around our mutual friends, but different around her has aided this way of thinking.

 

Thank you for reading part 1 of my post about my best friend, I hope you have enjoyed it and will join me for part 2. If you have any comments please feel free to add them below.