After the feelings

This is going to be a really quick post. I need to get some things out of my head.


 

Having realized, during counselling, that I indeed had feelings for my best friend, my actions towards and interactions with her changed. Now that I feel as though I am at least in part over these feelings, I am left wondering if my behaviour of the past few months has done irreparable damage to our relationship. She, as far as I am aware, has no idea of the reasoning behind my behaviour. Can I now tell her? Should I have done so before now? I am conflicted and concerned.

The only reason I didn’t say anything previously is that I thought that was selfish on my part, and I didn’t want to have any sort of negative effect on her marriage. Previous rumours about the two of us, though false, have created this fear in me.

A part of me thinks that if I tell her what has been up she will be completely supportive and we will move on together, but my anxious mind says that I have done so much damage to our friendship that this explanation will not be well received.

I have no idea what I’m going to do or if it is even worth attempting to explain myself.

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Is all of this my fault?

If you have read this blog before you may be aware of the problems that my best friend and myself have been having. All of these problems have arisen from the complexity of our relationship, a friendship with a degree of romance that can never be.

I have spent almost every waking hour over the last few weeks trying to work out how this happened. Is this my fault?

Two of my closest other friends, my weekly cinema buddies, are also close with her. I know that the whole situation is highly frustrating for them, and from what they say it is equally upsetting for her as it is for me. With this in mind, I am confused as to why we haven’t sorted ourselves out. I have no issue with her at all, if anything I feel like I maybe care too much. Supposedly she has no issue either, according to our mutual friends. You would think that this being the case everything would be fine.

It sometimes feels like everything with us works better outside the workplace, like being around other people like we are at work doesn’t help the situation. Too many people have an opinion on us, without having the slightest idea of our past. Until last week one of our closest friends didn’t have any idea how close we once were, he said it sounded like we were almost a couple at one point. Maybe this is the problem, did I give the impression at any point that that was something that I wanted? If so, did that cause this weirdness?

I can’t help but think that I am completely at fault for all of this. Unfortunately, it is currently far too awkward for me to question her, so I’ll just have to deal with it the best I can.

Running can be more than just exercise.

I love to run. I have found it to be not only a good way to keep fit but also really helpful in the battle to control my mind. This last weekend I went for a run along one of my usual routes, the old railway line between my hometown of Calne and Chippenham. Usually, I would run the 10km there and then 10km back, this time, however, I walked back. When running I listen to music or podcasts, on this walk though, I decided to just listen to nature.

The effect a walk like this can have on your mental state is remarkable. I am often wary of going on long walks because I am prone to overthinking, I so often descend into a place of darkness because of it. This walk, however, was so calming that it has given me a whole new outlook. The peaceful nature of my chosen route only served to help this.

My best friend – part two

Find part 1 here: My best friend – part one


Is it possible to talk to someone every waking hour for 6 months, and then go to not speaking at all in just one week? Yes, yes it is. Is it possible to fix this? Absolutely.

After weeks of friendship by proxy, having our mutual friends pass messages to each other, yesterday, the old smile was back. Almost as if none of the previous months had happened at all, the laughing, smiling and waving just happened. No talk as to what had gone wrong previously, and, in fairness, I don’t care. Part of me will always wonder what exactly has changed, my feelings are still the same, I don’t know if anything has changed on her end.

In all honesty, I know that I have been stupid this last couple of months. I have just been so scared of letting my feelings be known, I now realise that I don’t need to. The amazingness of a relationship like this is worth far too much to risk. The intention now is to just allow this move forward naturally, there’s no need to force it.  I’ve missed out on so much time with the person I love the most through both my and her fears. However uncomfortable and awkward it may be currently, or it gets in the future, I hope I act in a more mature way. If I do this then at least I know I have done all I can.

 

The coffee problem

Whenever I feel myself getting stressed or anxious, one of the first things I like to do is get a cup of coffee. This is initially all I need to calm down. My level of attentiveness shoots up and my productivity increases dramatically. Unfortunately, this boost in energy and alertness comes with a major downside, the big increase in stress hormones such as cortisol. This coupled with the blocking of happiness hormone production tends to actually lead to an increase in my anxiety. The big issue is that when my anxiety levels increase, all I want to do is to drink more coffee, further fuelling these issues.

Scientifically speaking, there are studies that support this. The effects of caffeine on people with anxiety and depression have long been studied. There is evidence that in small amounts caffeine can be of benefit to those with these conditions. In larger quantities it can have the opposite effect, blocking the production of happy hormones and increasing the production of stress hormones. The issue I have is that caffeine doesn’t appear to be the problem for me, I can happily drink green tea all day without issue.

It took me a long time to work out that coffee, alone, as a beverage was the thing that was fuelling my problems. Despite now knowing this, I still have the problem because I cannot easily escape my dependence on coffee. Tea does not provide the same calming effect for me, even though I also don’t get the negative effects. All in all, I need to find a middle ground, it would be foolish to think I can completely give up coffee, but for my mental state, I need to try and cut back.