After the feelings

This is going to be a really quick post. I need to get some things out of my head.


 

Having realized, during counselling, that I indeed had feelings for my best friend, my actions towards and interactions with her changed. Now that I feel as though I am at least in part over these feelings, I am left wondering if my behaviour of the past few months has done irreparable damage to our relationship. She, as far as I am aware, has no idea of the reasoning behind my behaviour. Can I now tell her? Should I have done so before now? I am conflicted and concerned.

The only reason I didn’t say anything previously is that I thought that was selfish on my part, and I didn’t want to have any sort of negative effect on her marriage. Previous rumours about the two of us, though false, have created this fear in me.

A part of me thinks that if I tell her what has been up she will be completely supportive and we will move on together, but my anxious mind says that I have done so much damage to our friendship that this explanation will not be well received.

I have no idea what I’m going to do or if it is even worth attempting to explain myself.

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Is all of this my fault?

If you have read this blog before you may be aware of the problems that my best friend and myself have been having. All of these problems have arisen from the complexity of our relationship, a friendship with a degree of romance that can never be.

I have spent almost every waking hour over the last few weeks trying to work out how this happened. Is this my fault?

Two of my closest other friends, my weekly cinema buddies, are also close with her. I know that the whole situation is highly frustrating for them, and from what they say it is equally upsetting for her as it is for me. With this in mind, I am confused as to why we haven’t sorted ourselves out. I have no issue with her at all, if anything I feel like I maybe care too much. Supposedly she has no issue either, according to our mutual friends. You would think that this being the case everything would be fine.

It sometimes feels like everything with us works better outside the workplace, like being around other people like we are at work doesn’t help the situation. Too many people have an opinion on us, without having the slightest idea of our past. Until last week one of our closest friends didn’t have any idea how close we once were, he said it sounded like we were almost a couple at one point. Maybe this is the problem, did I give the impression at any point that that was something that I wanted? If so, did that cause this weirdness?

I can’t help but think that I am completely at fault for all of this. Unfortunately, it is currently far too awkward for me to question her, so I’ll just have to deal with it the best I can.

My best friend – part two

Find part 1 here: My best friend – part one


Is it possible to talk to someone every waking hour for 6 months, and then go to not speaking at all in just one week? Yes, yes it is. Is it possible to fix this? Absolutely.

After weeks of friendship by proxy, having our mutual friends pass messages to each other, yesterday, the old smile was back. Almost as if none of the previous months had happened at all, the laughing, smiling and waving just happened. No talk as to what had gone wrong previously, and, in fairness, I don’t care. Part of me will always wonder what exactly has changed, my feelings are still the same, I don’t know if anything has changed on her end.

In all honesty, I know that I have been stupid this last couple of months. I have just been so scared of letting my feelings be known, I now realise that I don’t need to. The amazingness of a relationship like this is worth far too much to risk. The intention now is to just allow this move forward naturally, there’s no need to force it.  I’ve missed out on so much time with the person I love the most through both my and her fears. However uncomfortable and awkward it may be currently, or it gets in the future, I hope I act in a more mature way. If I do this then at least I know I have done all I can.

 

The amazing relaxation spots in Wiltshire.

This post is a part of my series looking into health and what we can do to keep ourselves healthy, while still enjoying life.

Click below to access the hub page for the health series:

A push for perfect health

20th April 2018

Every so often I like to remind myself just how amazing the county that I live in is. It is so easy to forget when you are driving past these places every day. I live less than 10 minutes from the world heritage site of Avebury, and about half an hour from Stonehenge. There is so much amazing countryside right on my doorstep, and I don’t know if I really appreciate it.

Today I went to Devizes to get a coffee and then drove to Silbury Hill to enjoy it in peace. I hope to go to one of our amazing landmarks or beauty spots after work every Friday during the coming summer.

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21st April 2018

This morning I drove into Marlborough from my hometown of Calne. The drive between these two towns only takes about 20 minutes, but it takes you through some of the best countryside this country has to offer. There are no mountains or valleys, no forests, nor any vast lakes but the chalk downs, rolling fields and abundance of ancient landmarks makes it such a beautiful place. This drive between the historic market town of Calne, the place Dr Joseph Priestley was living when he discovered oxygen and the even more historic town of Marlborough, where a burial mound dating back to around 2400BC is located within the grounds of the college, is one of the most amazing drives you can take. In particular, the stretch of road that goes through Cherhill past one of Wiltshire’s many famous white horses is particularly pleasant, especially in the sun with the windows down.

Perfect insomnia

This post is a part of my series looking into health and what we can do to keep ourselves healthy, while still enjoying life.

Click below to access the hub page for the health series:

A push for perfect health


If insomnia is something that I am destined to suffer, then at least I can try and enjoy it. This current balmy weather we are experiencing in the UK is perfect for late night walks. Although having time to think is probably something that is dangerous for sufferers of anxiety, it is better to do it while out enjoying a nice walk than to lay in bed awake all night letting the demons in.

The worst thing I find with my insomnia is that it has such a huge impact on my behaviour, especially the way I act around other people. I have discussed these issues with my friends in the past but, although they are supportive, I’m not sure they are really equipped to understand. I don’t blame them for this, after all, there are many behaviours exhibited by others that I cannot understand. Even as a sufferer of anxiety and depression I have a hard time really understanding the way it affects others. If we cannot understand our own feelings we cannot really expect others to.

One of my biggest fears is that people, however much they say they love you and however many times they say you can always talk to them, will eventually get bored or fed-up with your problems. I have recently gone very quiet with my best friend because I am scared that I have told her too much. We don’t really speak other than to say hello, I am basically avoiding contact with her at this point. This is clearly unhealthy for a relationship, but I really don’t know how to deal with the situation. I am actually hoping I can get out and use my sleeplessness as some thinking time to try and deal with this issue.

Over time I have come to respect insomnia as something that can actually benefit me to some degree, after all, everything I have tried to fix it has failed, may as well embrace it.

Photo by Simon Robben from Pexels