After the feelings

This is going to be a really quick post. I need to get some things out of my head.


Having realized, during counselling, that I indeed had feelings for my best friend, my actions towards and interactions with her changed. Now that I feel as though I am at least in part over these feelings, I am left wondering if my behaviour of the past few months has done irreparable damage to our relationship. She, as far as I am aware, has no idea of the reasoning behind my behaviour. Can I now tell her? Should I have done so before now? I am conflicted and concerned.

The only reason I didn’t say anything previously is that I thought that was selfish on my part, and I didn’t want to have any sort of negative effect on her marriage. Previous rumours about the two of us, though false, have created this fear in me.

A part of me thinks that if I tell her what has been up she will be completely supportive and we will move on together, but my anxious mind says that I have done so much damage to our friendship that this explanation will not be well received.

I have no idea what I’m going to do or if it is even worth attempting to explain myself.


Friday afternoon cinema trip 27/04/2018

This week, due to one of our group being busy on Thursday evening, we went out to the cinema on Friday. One of us had the day off of work, while the other two took a half day. The film we watched this week was Avengers: Infinity war. Despite the popularity of superhero films these days, this is actually the first one I have seen. Superhero films or fantasy franchises are not my thing and, I’m going to be honest, I didn’t enjoy this film. This may be in part due to it being the first one I have seen, as I had no prior knowledge of the characters or backstory.
I will not deny that the film was well put together, and really well acted. I did notice that towards the end there were some special effects that looked a little off, but all together it was well made.
From a social standpoint, this trip was an interesting one. After the film, we went to the pub as usual. The other two in the group have a tendency to push each other’s buttons, this day was no exception. I sometimes find it difficult to mediate when they start bickering, but I do find it quite amusing. The two of them actually get along very well, and in many respects, I think the way they argue all the time is how they keep their relationship so strong. The two of them are always telling me and my best friend to sort ourselves out and by the way they work out their differences, they are of course right.
After ignoring each other for about twenty minutes, something as simple as a two-minute cigarette break was enough to sort out whatever issues they had. If, by following their example, I can sort out my own problems with a person that I care so much about.

My best friend – part one

There is one person on this earth that is more important to me than any other. I have only known this person for just over a year, and yet, in that time they have helped me realise who I am and what I am capable of. This is someone I would do literally anything for and whom I’m sure would do the same for me.

We first met at work where she would walk past my desk every morning on the way to a meeting, me being particularly shy was not overly forthcoming with the conversation but one of my longest workmates was always there to push it along. For weeks this was the way our relationship grew, small amounts of talking between a group of people, but there was something a little different in the way the two of us would act around each other compared to with other people. Very quickly we started to talk via text or IM outside of work, and smile and wave over-enthusiastically at each other at work.

The first time we saw each other without anyone else was on a bank holiday in March 2017, I was out buying a takeaway coffee and she was in the same shopping area. I was sitting in my car drinking my coffee and enjoying some music when I saw another car pull up next to me and someone knocked on my window. There she was, smiling at me. The conversation that followed is one of the nicest I have ever had, even if she was less than impressed with the music I was listening to. Within a month of this first meetup, we were spending time outside of work together two or three times a week. At this point, I should probably mention that she is married, happily. This is not something that has ever concerned me about our relationship as I have always felt that a friendship like the one we have is about more than romance. This is not to say that I haven’t had thoughts in this area, feelings have always been evident on both sides. It is something that we have dealt with together, voiced our feelings and we both know how important we are to each other. I also know that from the point of view of her husband there is no issue. I have spent time alone with him playing sports, and we have become friends as well.

Only people who are in no way involved in the friendship seem to have had an issue with it. There appears to be an outdated and unwelcome opinion shared by many of the people we know that a man and a woman cannot be just friends. Of course, as previously mentioned there is a degree of intimacy and emotional dependency that the two of us share, but that need not lead to anything else. Unfortunately, my anxiety coupled with the meddling of others has caused a shift in my behaviour of late. Through a fear of causing trouble for her in her marriage, despite knowing that I won’t, I have become distant. Because she is not aware of the reasoning behind my change in behaviour, she has started to feel like I don’t like her anymore, which is so far the opposite of the real reason. I think the fact that she sees me behaving the same as I always have around our mutual friends, but different around her has aided this way of thinking.


Thank you for reading part 1 of my post about my best friend, I hope you have enjoyed it and will join me for part 2. If you have any comments please feel free to add them below.

Thursday night cinema trip 19/4/18

Thursday nights, cinema night.

I have just put my car away and am currently walking home while writing this, just got back from our weekly cinema trip. Tonight, despite going with the intention of watching Ghost stories we ended up watching a film that most of you will have seen before. Today marks the 40th anniversary of the theatrical release of Grease, here in the UK anyway, so this is what we watched. I’m going to be honest, the choice was made by one particular member of our group and though we tried to act like we weren’t keen, it is very difficult to argue when you are sat there with your feet tapping along to the music.

The rest of the evening was reasonably tame compared to usual, in part due to the heat. We have however made plans for Saturday so there will be a special “Saturday cinema trip” post later on Saturday or sometime Sunday.

Right, I have just walked in my front door and I’m going to bed. Goodnight.

Thursday night cinema trip 12/4/18

Thursday nights, cinema night.

Watching Blockers for the 2nd time in 2 weeks.

This week on our Thursday night cinema trip we watched the comedy “Blockers” for the 2nd time in a fortnight. This may seem like a bit of a waste of money, but we all have Limitless memberships at Odeon. This allows us to watch whatever is on and, if necessary, leave before the end of the film if it is not something we are enjoying. Because we are at the cinema so often there have been occasions where we have already watched pretty much everything that is available. At these times the limitless memberships really come into their own, we watched “the greatest showman” 3 times, this is a film we all really enjoyed but is unlikely something we would have repeat watched had we had to pay for it each time.

As for this weeks film, it’s funny, I mean really funny. As a person who suffers from depression and anxiety, I haven’t laughed nearly as much for such a long time as what I did during this film. I’m not going to do any more of a review than that as I don’t feel at this moment that I am really able to do justice to any film that I review.

The social aspect.

We first started going on our cinema trips as a couple my friends thought I could do with a night out as a way of trying to help deal with my anxiety. At this early point, I could not have imagined how important these nights out and how important these 2 people would become to me. In the last few weeks, my best friend and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch, this is made harder by the fact that we work together. The 4 of us usually have our afternoon breaks together every-day. The other 2 have been such a place of support during this, even if they say the 2 of us should just admit how strong our feelings are for each other instead of acting like idiots. One of the things I find the most helpful in this situation is that they don’t just tell me what I want to hear, they tell me what I need to hear. I have found that so often when people realize you are struggling with any sort of mental illness, they will tend to tell you what they think you want to hear. It is so refreshing when they treat you like any other person, I’m no different from anyone else, so please don’t treat me like it!

Getting back to this weeks trip. We arrived at the cinema at just before 7pm and the film didn’t start until 9pm, so we hung out in the foyer for a couple of hours. We absolutely love the social time we spend together on these trips, a couple of hours of drinking and chatting either before or after the film is, in many ways the best part of these outings; for me anyway. Other than my best friend who, when we aren’t acting like children and avoiding each other, I am comfortable telling literally everything; these 2 people are the ones I am the most comfortable around. There is nothing that we won’t talk about and the forum is completely open. I have been so surprised with how open they feel they can be with me, I have never thought of myself as the sort of person that people would want to confide in because of my anxiety issues.

Sorry if this post is a bit messy, it’s very late/early here and I just wanted to get this out. I will try and get my thoughts a bit more in order for next weeks cinema post.



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