As I lay in bed last night. Trying to get the sleep I knew I needed, yet also seemed unable to have. I realised that I was slowly becoming the person that I want to be. For the first time in so long I was not only content, but actually happy. The future, however unpredictable it may be, is something that I am actively excited about.
There seemed no reason for this sudden realisation. The fact that at the same moment I was actually quite uncomfortable, seemed to jar with this realisation. My inability to get to sleep, with the sound of the church down the road striking midnight. The orange glow of the streetlight outside my bedroom window, and my unwillingness to get out of bed to close the curtains to dim it. Even the distant sound of someone driving a motorbike at high speed down the main road. All of these things would usually mean that I was guaranteed an uncomfortable night, and a miserable next day.
None of this mattered though, I felt like everything was moving in the right direction. I was becoming who I want to be. But then I began to consider if who I want me to be, is who I should be trying to be. Should I be more focused on being who others want me to be? My girlfriend, my parents, siblings, workmates?
I quickly decided that the only person you can ever aim to be is the person that you want. There are likely numerous little things that nearly everyone in your life would like to change slightly. But is my job as a boyfriend, or a son, or brother or friend; to try and change those around me into my vision for them? No. Obviously not. My job as a person is to support others as they themselves become the versions of them that they want to be.
Supporting the happiness of others, and their aspirations. That is what we should all be trying to do. If those around us are happy in themselves, there is nothing for any of us to try and change in them.
This is not something that I have considered until literally this moment while I write. I think maybe it is when we are unhappy in our own selves, that we look to change the behaviours of others. If we feel like we don’t have control over our own futures, we try and mould those around us to give us that feeling of control.
Maybe. Maybe not. I am not going to over think the reasons behind my current positive outlook.